Flying Blind – An epiphany

How appalling to wake up so late!! (At 30. Heh. Only a third of my life is gone.)

I am going to confess something. Beneath my otherwise happy exterior happiness that most people see, I have been living angrily. Resentful of my circumstances. It is only now that it has come to me that this time and place is exactly where God wants me to be.

My anxiousness and anger have been an insult to the Lord. I hope and pray that in time he will forgive me.

I was born and raised in a small town. However, from the time I was a teenager, I convinced myself that I would fare better elsewhere. I couldn't possibly find happiness in a place so (presumably) boring.

Yet what have I done to make my time here worthwhile?

Sadly, absolutely nothing.

This hit me last night after I wrote in my prayer journal. There's an emptiness that I've been feeling. And now more than ever, I'm convinced that it comes from my not being as involved as I could or should be.

Do you know what my new goal is for the future? Do you know what I dream of?

"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. " — Philippians 4:11-12, NLT (emphasis added)

I want to live as Paul does. Satisfied with whatever God gives me.

I have been flying blind–living in one dimension, instead of aiming for the fullness that God promises. This is what I have decided:

I need to stop trying to forcibly remove myself from my circumstances. Certainly, at least, regarding far off distances. If you are a stranger, you might not know that I have lusted after Toronto. For years, I've convinced myself that my destiny would be found in Toronto, and Toronto only. That I must live there to be happy. That I would find everything I need to survive over there. (Are you sensing a pattern?) God forbid I should find fulfillment here. When I think of the number of times I have tried to move myself to the Big Bad City, it's quite pitiful. I won't deny that it's home to many resources that I would love to explore. Yet all along, I've had to drag myself back home. It's only now that I've come to realize that God has been saying, "No, my child. No." Lately, I've been trying to run even further–checking out overseas teaching opportunities. But quick getaways won't teach me what Jesus wants me to learn.

Last night I had a thought about my future. What if small town living really is my destiny? What if I am to die here?

Then I shall live boldly. Freely. As the Lord intended me to. Wherever he wants me to be.

When culture and Christianity collide…

The results can be interesting.

Take last week's American Idol. Mandisa–aka ManDIVA–sang "Shackles" by Mary Mary. She included a spoken-word opening, in which she said:

“This song goes out to everybody that wants to be free! Your addiction, your lifestyle or situation may be big, but God is bigger!” — as quoted in an article on The Advocate's web site.

The fallout from her use of the word "lifestyle" has been ridiculous. I've read plenty of nonsense online. Most of it trashing Mandisa, God, Christianity–and at times, all three.

It seems that plenty of people out there agree with the aforementioned article. In particular, the segment which says:

"…everyone knows that the word “lifestyle” is a code word used by gross, amoral religious jerks who refuse to do what Jesus told them to do (that whole “love everybody” stuff) And their secret definition of the word “lifestyle” is “burn in hell, faggots.” Except it’s not a secret. Maybe someone should tell Mandisa about this." 

Indeed. And while that "someone" is at it, she or he should tell me, and every other thinking Christian.

I never thought I'd write this, because I consider myself to be a fairly open-minded  individual. Nevertheless, I'm just going with how I feel:

When will members of our mainstream liberal culture and all of their bootlickers get over themselves, and try to actually learn a thing or two about the Christian community that they seem so desperate to perpetually insult?

"Lifestyle", as I know it, is a catch-all Christian term. It refers to the way that you are living. Mind you, in a negative sense. People may be caught up in an addiction to drugs or sex. They may run with a rough crowd and be in a gang. They might be involved with any number of criminal activities.  In the Christian world, that is what "lifestyle" refers to. A way of living that isn't right.

But those not in the know remain up in arms. It's as though they're determined to be good and angry about Mandisa's use of that word. I'm paraphrasing, but much of what I've read can be interpreted thusly: "Lifestyle?!? Mandisa said 'lifestyle'! And she's a Jesus freak!! Clearly, she meant to insult gay people!!" Oh yes. Clearly. 🙄 And the pouting continues as I've seen (read) people attempting to offer intelligent definitions of "lifestyle" as used among Christians…"I'm going to be offended whether you like it or not!!!"

To people who think like that, I have only one thing to say.

Grow up. "Lifestyle" is a word. It's not YOUR word. It does not have one solitary meaning–namely, the homophobic one that you choose to give it. It's been used long before someone coined the term "alternative lifestyle". It will exist long after it becomes old hat.

Inside my own insanity.

As a Christian, and a fallible human being, having faith in the absence of any improvement in my circumstances is hard. Sometimes I don't know what on earth I'm doing daring to be optomistic. My world is at a standstill. I am waiting for…Something. SOMETHING to happen to me.

I want to take action to improve my situation. But I have seen signs and felt feelings. Feelings that have led me to believe that if I act now, I would be doing so out of frustration. And really, what good does that do? Who does that benefit? Desperate decisions often lead to disappointing results.

And then I feel ashamed for being anxious. So very, very ashamed. I am selfish.

For I have my health and strength. I have a roof over my head.

Yet I am despised for being myself and for loving the way the Lord created me.

Where do I come in?

Sometimes when I look at life, I feel like I’m in an endless stage production. Waiting in the wings, wondering when I’ll have an opportunity to play a part. As corny as that may sound, it’s true. The sense of aimlessness that I feel can be grating. I know that I am a vital piece of God’s puzzle. But where do I belong?

These sorts of thoughts go through my head as I strive to understand God’s word. My anxiety is heightened or soothed, depending on my mood. Still, studying the Bible is the only thing that helps me make sense of…anything. Perhaps it’s the narcissistic aspect of my human nature. But I find myself searching for pieces of me within its pages. 

When I read, sometimes I am anxious and uncertain of who I am. Or, who I am meant to be. I think of my status as a woman, as a single person, as someone who is poor and confused, as one who is weak, longing to be strong, as…So many things. 

I find myself wrestling the most with the knowledge that I am one who wants to honor God with her gifts, but isn’t sure of how. I’m trying to explore that right now through writing. Beyond this blog of mine, I had an idea for a novel a few years ago. But I abandoned it…

Nevertheless, in spite of my fears and doubts about my future, I am comforted. How wonderful to serve one who holds the answer to my every riddle!

Psalms 40:13

“Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me: O Lord, make haste to help me.” – Psalms 40:13

These days it feels as though I’ve been living that verse.  Calling out to God for some change in my life.  Absolutely nothing is new under the sun. The air around me is ripe and ready for change. I can feel it! Or at least I think so. 

And yet I fear know that I am somehow being selfish.  I’ve been working as a substitute teacher for a few months. Yet I’m ready for the next level–a class of my own!  Or at least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself.  I’m so much stronger and more confident than I was when I first graduated. Surely my Heavenly Father can see that! Surely he will reward my progress! Surely…

I’m laughing now, as I remember one of my prayers.  A month or two ago, I asked God not to let me move on in my life–and my career in particular–until he felt I was ready.

Yet at times it’s hard not to get swept up in wanting to control my own destiny. (I’m convinced that it’s going to be my life struggle.) It doesn’t help that personally, I deal with someone who seems to delight in blaming me for my own lack of success in interviews.  And I have been overwhelmingly nervous in the past. However, every time I go for an appointment I improve. I put my best foot and face forward.  And quite honestly, every time I am rejected, I find no reason to be discouraged. On the contrary. God knows exactly what he’s doing.

It’s something I concluded years ago.  Rather than getting frustrated or obnoxious about not obtaining something, I tend to become introspective.  When I get a negative response to an expressed desire, I can’t help but be mindful of my status. I consider my place in the Lord’s plan. Perhaps the something that I want is something that I am not meant to have.

Thy will, not mine, Lord. Thy will, NOT mine.

Falling Away

I know that I serve a jealous God. I could feel his presence yesterday afternoon. I felt compelled to stop, drop everything, return to my room, and pray.

Indeed, it was just what my spirit needed. I look forward to seeking refuge again this evening.

My life runs in cycles. And as I get older I see the futility in so many things…

*sigh*

“This Too Shall Pass”

A couple of years ago I signed up for Yolanda Adams’ mailing list. They sent me a note today. I didn’t pay attention at first. But God gave me the good sense to give it a second look.

The message contained a link for Yolanda’s latest video, “This Too Shall Pass”. (It’s also available on her site.) What a blessing!! This song couldn’t have come to me at a better time.

I attended a funeral earlier today. It was for someone who used to be very close to me. I loved her dearly. And though we live(d) in the same small town, I haven’t seen her for a few years. All I could think coming home from the service is, “What is wrong with me?”. Too much time was wasted, and now it’s too late.

And then there’s my career. After a few months of working as a substitute teacher, I believe it’s time to move on. I would love to have my own classroom. I pine away for it. Dream about it.

To compound matters, I live with someone who seems dedicated to harassing me about my conviction to remain true to myself. No one wants to hire me, supposedly, because of my short, nappy, natural hair.

The animosity that I have come to endure is from someone who has never been in the interviewinterviews with me. She has no idea of the anxiety that I feel.

I have an interview tomorrow for a position. Do you know what I’ve been doing? Studying, as though in preparation for an exam.

And pass or fail, I am confident that over 50% of my responses will sound intelligent.

I’m so glad I listened to “This Too Shall Pass”. Because one day, when I’m hired and this time is over, I shall laugh at the pain. For now there are moments when all I want to do is cry. And I’m tired of those.

I need to get beyond this place. Beyond where I am professionally and personally. Not having a steady job can be nerve-wracking. For, I know that God is carrying me. Yet when I fall on hard times, I feel as though I am about to break. And I’m tired of feeling so fragile.

You’re kidding me, right? RIGHT?

One of my favorite authors, Josh Harris, has two younger brothers. They have a blog.

I just read this entry, and I’m still stunned by the details. Apparently, down the road, Ms. Stacy Dow, of Scotland, might have a talk with her daughter explaining her existence. For, you see, young Jayde was born by accident due to an unsuccessful abortion. (She’s suing the hospital and everything.) The Harris boys quote another blogger’s solemn commentary. He says, “Try to imagine the conversation…”

And in truth, as soon as I read that, my mind actually considered such an absurdity.

Stacy (to Jayde): Honey, I have tragic news regarding your birth. The doctors screwed up. They were only able to abort your twin sister, but somehow they made a mistake when it came to you…You shouldn’t even be here in the first place. 

Where is this woman’s head? How could she possibly think that these circumstances warrant a mother-daughter talk?

Where is this woman’s head? How could she think that these circumstances warrant a mother-daughter talk?

How is it…?

How is it that we go on this way? And just who are we? Day by day, I find myself consumed by thoughts of love. And more. I am consumed by trying to comprehend this madness, and this beauty, into which we have been…Inserted.

Inserted? Does that make sense? Because I know that I and we are here with reason. Too often, my senses fail to comprehend the plan behind it. God creates nothing if not for something. Am I making sense? The only soul I care to feed as I type this randomness is my own. Yet I want to share my methodless madness with someone, as I believe deeply that my strangeness is another’s sanity.

Why do so many of us attempt to defy human nature, insisting that we can do all alone? For we are better together. I say this in earnest, though I risk dragging you into my mire. Are you inspired? For, I love my solitude. Crave it, when others insist that they must follow the crowd. Yet I long for like-minded beings to mingle with, to commune with. It’s as Alanis once said in song, “…and what I wouldn’t give, to meet a kindred.”

Kindred.

Calling to mind my childhood and my favorite book Anne of Green Gables, and how she, Anne, used to speak of wanting to meet a kindred spirit. Until she found Diana Barry.

One day I will find my bliss. One day I will know peace. I will know love. And a person to whom I can speak my language and be understood.

Why am I here?

No, not me. My blog.

I look at pages like the list of links on Josh Harris’ web site, and I feel both ashamed and inspired. Ashamed because at times in my blogging I feel purposeless. Sometimes I realize that I can seem a bit flighty and odd. (Where else on the web can you go for a rant about the importance of hanging onto one’s faith, and a commentary on the latest lingerie?) Inspired… Because I feel more and more these days, a need to cling to my divine inklings, and write about what I know.

And what I know is that I need God.