Flying Blind – An epiphany

How appalling to wake up so late!! (At 30. Heh. Only a third of my life is gone.)

I am going to confess something. Beneath my otherwise happy exterior happiness that most people see, I have been living angrily. Resentful of my circumstances. It is only now that it has come to me that this time and place is exactly where God wants me to be.

My anxiousness and anger have been an insult to the Lord. I hope and pray that in time he will forgive me.

I was born and raised in a small town. However, from the time I was a teenager, I convinced myself that I would fare better elsewhere. I couldn't possibly find happiness in a place so (presumably) boring.

Yet what have I done to make my time here worthwhile?

Sadly, absolutely nothing.

This hit me last night after I wrote in my prayer journal. There's an emptiness that I've been feeling. And now more than ever, I'm convinced that it comes from my not being as involved as I could or should be.

Do you know what my new goal is for the future? Do you know what I dream of?

"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. " — Philippians 4:11-12, NLT (emphasis added)

I want to live as Paul does. Satisfied with whatever God gives me.

I have been flying blind–living in one dimension, instead of aiming for the fullness that God promises. This is what I have decided:

I need to stop trying to forcibly remove myself from my circumstances. Certainly, at least, regarding far off distances. If you are a stranger, you might not know that I have lusted after Toronto. For years, I've convinced myself that my destiny would be found in Toronto, and Toronto only. That I must live there to be happy. That I would find everything I need to survive over there. (Are you sensing a pattern?) God forbid I should find fulfillment here. When I think of the number of times I have tried to move myself to the Big Bad City, it's quite pitiful. I won't deny that it's home to many resources that I would love to explore. Yet all along, I've had to drag myself back home. It's only now that I've come to realize that God has been saying, "No, my child. No." Lately, I've been trying to run even further–checking out overseas teaching opportunities. But quick getaways won't teach me what Jesus wants me to learn.

Last night I had a thought about my future. What if small town living really is my destiny? What if I am to die here?

Then I shall live boldly. Freely. As the Lord intended me to. Wherever he wants me to be.