Flying Blind – An epiphany

How appalling to wake up so late!! (At 30. Heh. Only a third of my life is gone.)

I am going to confess something. Beneath my otherwise happy exterior happiness that most people see, I have been living angrily. Resentful of my circumstances. It is only now that it has come to me that this time and place is exactly where God wants me to be.

My anxiousness and anger have been an insult to the Lord. I hope and pray that in time he will forgive me.

I was born and raised in a small town. However, from the time I was a teenager, I convinced myself that I would fare better elsewhere. I couldn't possibly find happiness in a place so (presumably) boring.

Yet what have I done to make my time here worthwhile?

Sadly, absolutely nothing.

This hit me last night after I wrote in my prayer journal. There's an emptiness that I've been feeling. And now more than ever, I'm convinced that it comes from my not being as involved as I could or should be.

Do you know what my new goal is for the future? Do you know what I dream of?

"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. " — Philippians 4:11-12, NLT (emphasis added)

I want to live as Paul does. Satisfied with whatever God gives me.

I have been flying blind–living in one dimension, instead of aiming for the fullness that God promises. This is what I have decided:

I need to stop trying to forcibly remove myself from my circumstances. Certainly, at least, regarding far off distances. If you are a stranger, you might not know that I have lusted after Toronto. For years, I've convinced myself that my destiny would be found in Toronto, and Toronto only. That I must live there to be happy. That I would find everything I need to survive over there. (Are you sensing a pattern?) God forbid I should find fulfillment here. When I think of the number of times I have tried to move myself to the Big Bad City, it's quite pitiful. I won't deny that it's home to many resources that I would love to explore. Yet all along, I've had to drag myself back home. It's only now that I've come to realize that God has been saying, "No, my child. No." Lately, I've been trying to run even further–checking out overseas teaching opportunities. But quick getaways won't teach me what Jesus wants me to learn.

Last night I had a thought about my future. What if small town living really is my destiny? What if I am to die here?

Then I shall live boldly. Freely. As the Lord intended me to. Wherever he wants me to be.

Psalms 40:13

“Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me: O Lord, make haste to help me.” – Psalms 40:13

These days it feels as though I’ve been living that verse.  Calling out to God for some change in my life.  Absolutely nothing is new under the sun. The air around me is ripe and ready for change. I can feel it! Or at least I think so. 

And yet I fear know that I am somehow being selfish.  I’ve been working as a substitute teacher for a few months. Yet I’m ready for the next level–a class of my own!  Or at least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself.  I’m so much stronger and more confident than I was when I first graduated. Surely my Heavenly Father can see that! Surely he will reward my progress! Surely…

I’m laughing now, as I remember one of my prayers.  A month or two ago, I asked God not to let me move on in my life–and my career in particular–until he felt I was ready.

Yet at times it’s hard not to get swept up in wanting to control my own destiny. (I’m convinced that it’s going to be my life struggle.) It doesn’t help that personally, I deal with someone who seems to delight in blaming me for my own lack of success in interviews.  And I have been overwhelmingly nervous in the past. However, every time I go for an appointment I improve. I put my best foot and face forward.  And quite honestly, every time I am rejected, I find no reason to be discouraged. On the contrary. God knows exactly what he’s doing.

It’s something I concluded years ago.  Rather than getting frustrated or obnoxious about not obtaining something, I tend to become introspective.  When I get a negative response to an expressed desire, I can’t help but be mindful of my status. I consider my place in the Lord’s plan. Perhaps the something that I want is something that I am not meant to have.

Thy will, not mine, Lord. Thy will, NOT mine.

Whose LIFE is it anyway?

1 Corinthians 6:19: Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?

(emphasis added)

It is only over the past year or so that I have come to grasp the concept of stewardship. I never used to pay it any mind, really. When I was younger, I used to think it had something to do with how we spent our money. And money was the stuff of adults who had jobs. It had nothing to do with me.

But now somehow, the Lord has made certain things plain to me. In particular, there is the fact that we must be mindful of more than our money. It’s worth our while to consider what we do, how we do it, and who (or what) we do it for.

What we do

By this, I’m referring to God’s gifts.

It can be truly awesome to attempt to fathom the significance of our own existence. Particularly under the covering of the Divine. We are separate, individuals, and yet in so many ways, one. Crafted by God, each with our own skills and talents. But for what?

I believe to serve each other, and in doing so, strive to serve the Lord. None of our abilities came to us by accident. I am convinced that God crafted each and every one of us not only on purpose, but with a purpose.

Our skills, our talents–Those things we do that fit that old cliche about us taking an ability of ours for granted, while others stand back and go “wow” or “you really have a way with…”

I believe that these are the abilities we need to pay attention to, because these are the skills that God meant us to use in order to honor ourselves, each other, and ultimately, him.

How we do it

I struggle with this tremendously. My current situation does not match my dreams. Unfortunately, my displeasure regarding my circumstances is becoming obvious. I’ve been failing to give my all in certain duties and relationships. Yet this is not what our Heavenly Father wants.

Colossians 3:23 says, “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men”. When we give our best effort in all that we do, we let our lights shine…We honor God when we use all that he has given us.

Who we do it for

I’ve considered teaching at a Christian school. Or at least, applying to teach at one. After all, as a Christian, shouldn’t I be preoccupied with the welfare of Christian youth?

But for now I’ve put that idea on hold. I think that kids in the public system deserve as many positive influences as they can get.

And then there’s writing.

For a few years now, I have seriously flipped and flopped, vacillating regarding the idea of whether or not I ought to attempt to get intot he Christian writers’ market. At one point I even joined a Christian writers group. I applied for, and won, a bursary so that I could have afforded to attend their annual conference.

And then, I never went.

(Oh shhhh. Something came up and I honestly couldn’t go. Perhaps it was the Devil getting in my way…?)

God has given me a gift, and I’ve been questioning whether or not I ought to use it for his glory. In some ways that’s why I’m thankful for this blog. Even if I never write the next Christian Blockbuster, I treasure this place where I can write freely about my faith.

Yet why question? In my heart of hearts, I know it makes perfect sense to give back to the one who has given unto me. And as the verse I quoted said “you are not your own”.

Still I hesitate.

Why?

Is it the stigma, perhaps?

These days, things that are labeled “Christian” do not have the best of reputations. Supposedly, we’re behind the times. We’re judgmental, nonsensical fools.

And lets face it.

We build our faith on the teachings of a carpenter who liked to fish. As one of my pastors back in Toronto once said, “There’s no way you can sex that story up.”

But, as he went on to remind us…Those who understand know that Jesus was more than just a man.

So again, why do we hesitate to answer The Call?

Fear.

I was talking with a friend of mine regarding this very issue. “Fear” is the only reason she could come up with for one wanting to avoid God’s will. I agree with her wholeheartedly.

As indicated above, the name/title/label “Christian” is not a popular one.

In my head there’s a list of all the things I could lose if I decided to use my talent for the Christian market. Namely, credibility in the secular writing world. Consider, even, making small talk at a party:

“What do you do for a living?”

“I write.”

“Really?” Captivated, the person I’m speaking with
leans closer. “What kind of stuff? Where can I find it?”

Um…”At Mitchell’s, under Christian Living.”

I have no idea why this hesitation haunts me. It isn’t as though I wouldn’t have an audience. Yet I know there’s something in certain Christians’ minds. We share this fear…We don’t want non-believers to think we’re strange.

Yet as a Christian in a secular world, isn’t that par for the course?

You know…

I think I have some friends who don’t even know I’m Christian. Once my faith
leaps from being spirituality (a rarely-discussed topic) to my career, there’ll
be no hiding. I’ll be “exposed”.

And truly, I used to have a deep, resistant fear. It began and ended with the idea that I would never get what I wanted out of this life if I made a conscious effort to cling to God.

And what is it that I want?

1. True Love

2. Professional Success

Neither is outside the realm of possibility. But stereotypes have obscured people’s view. They used to muddy my vision. For example…Success for the spiritual means that we are destined to be pencil-pushers.

And love?

When it comes down to it, a “good” Christian (woman) supposedly should learn to keep quiet and be ready to make do with someone they’re only “sort of” compatible with. After all, a quality mate is hard to come by. God’s children cannot afford to be choosy. They can’t afford to hope for a mate who makes them smile either.

 

I have seen and known people who held out for God’s personal and professional best. And in the end they were not disappointed.

I have been blessed along the way in my life as well. So I posit that there’s no reason to believe that the Lord’s promises won’t be fulfilled. That is not arrogance. That is my statement of faith and confidence in God, his will, and his ways.

At the end of the day, as they say…What really matters? What brings true joy and fulfillment? Our devotion is what the Lord desires the most. For it is written:

Matthew 22:37: Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’

This command seems only fair to me, since we are, as stated before, not our own.

Although I have a fear of failing at everything that I try, I know that all I can offer is my own basic, human effort. True, that can never match the ultimate standard. (Romans 3:23). But in the end, it’s all I’ve got.

Good Morning!

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

A friend referred me to those verses the other night when I was overcome with stress. I thought I’d pass them on. 🙂

No, I’m not eating again.

On that note, here’s some wisdom:

Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things.

Psalms 81:10b, NLT

What the hell have I been afraid of all these years?

When you open your mind and your life to everything that is possible for you to achieve, you never know what you will end up with.

I’m still stressed. But at the heart of it all, happy.